14 Rules for movies and television

Rule #14 (first published September 3, 2012)
When a modern character jumps in the water, there is almost never any consequence to the cell phone that he or she is undoubtedly carrying.

Rule #13 (February 6, 2012)
As an ex-smoker I can tell when someone has actually inhaled and when they're faking. They're usually faking. And then, 19 times out of twenty, when an onscreen smoker stubs a cigarette into an ashtray, s/he doesn't finish the job, leaving it smoldering. Another reason to be grateful we don't have smell-o-vision.

Rule #12 (November 21, 2011)
On screen, driving the wrong way on a crowded street, freeway, sidewalk, or even through a parade, causes honking, swerving, screaming, running, but almost never a quick crash or fatality. Please, PLEASE do not test my theory!

Rule #11 (October 14, 2011)
A character rings the doorbell or knocks, and someone is there within 15 seconds, no matter how big the house or apartment. If it's longer than that, no one is home. Jack's corollary: if it's longer than that, someone is inside dead or dying.

Rule #10 (November 28, 2010)
When a character is driving, s/he usually finds a parking place right in front of the destination. Also known as the Doris Day Parking Spot (thank you Dan, I had never heard of it put that way). The only time I ever heard my atheist mother pray was when she was driving us in New York City (which could cause some passengers to look to their own deities) in the 50's and 60's. Searching for a parking place, she would chant, "I'm God's perfect child," repeatedly, until gleefully finding an available spot.

Rule #9 (October 31, 2010)
Zooming in on a computer image usually delivers a sharp, recognizable picture, even though that almost never happens on my screen.

Rule #8 (May 21, 2010)
If a character is supposed to be unsophisticated, maybe even a hick, he or she will frequently hail from Ohio. In the Grey's Anatomy season finale last night, one character, an intern at Seattle Grace Hospital, said she was from Columbus (a bustling city and the state capital), and was the daughter of a teacher and a "corn farmer."

Rule #7 (May 4, 2010)
In a movie, turn on a computer and it boots up immediately. Copy a file and it zips by, blazing fast. Hook one gadget to another, and the correct cable is always there. Every now and then, it will take way too long instead, but usually, it's unrealistically cooperative.

Rule #6 (April 5, 2010)
When a character is watching a news item on TV that concerns him or her greatly, that character will almost always switch off the TV before the news item is finished.

Rule #5 (March 23, 2010)
In a movie, the wait staff seldom clears the glasses or bottles from the table, leaving them lined up so that the audience can count them (to see how drunk the characters are by any given time).

Rule #4 (March 13, 2010)
In a movie, if a woman faints, she is probably pregnant. If she throws up, and didn't drink to excess just before, she is definitely pregnant.

Rule #3 (November 30, 2009)
Any movie located in New York City will have a shot of the lead actor walking on a crowded sidewalk, looking all the more crowded by the use of a zoom lens that makes the other people seem closer and reduces the depth of field, or sharpness around the actor.

Rule #2 (March 15, 2009)
If a film or a scene is set in Paris, the Eiffel Tower will be visible from at least one location.

Rule #1 (January 12, 2009)
A character who coughs in a movie will be dead by the beginning of the credits. Over 99% of the time.